Faithfully Dating Online Cont.
About a month after my now fiancé and I started dating, we were on the phone one night when he got really quiet. I asked him what was wrong and he said, “I just don’t understand how a beautiful, godly, single woman like you would be interested in a guy like me.” I proceeded to ask him what that even meant, so he answered, “You’re pure, but I have this dirty stain on me that I can’t get off.” My heart sank when I heard those words come out of his mouth because I knew he was referring to his divorce, so I asked him, “What’s the point of the cross?” All I heard was a sigh of relief, followed by him saying, “You have no idea how much that simple statement just did for me.”
Praise God for grace. We all have stains, but Jesus washed them away for good. You can’t make someone stay who doesn’t want to be married anymore, you can’t prevent someone from cheating on you and in the end you can’t always decide what circumstances you are faced with. You can however, choose your response to those things. God does not like divorce, but no thing is too big for the cross.
My fiancé constantly tells me how much of a blessing I am and how proud of me he is. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank the Lord for him and where we have both been in our pasts because it deepens both of our appreciation for God and our relationship now.
I went through a rough break-up at the end of my junior year in college where I experienced a lot of shame for who I am and how I am wired. Why was I so loud and outgoing if Godly girls were suppose to be submissive and followers? Why did my ex want me to change so much and why couldn’t I make him feel respected? What is my problem and will I ever be able to glorify God in a relationship or marriage? Disclaimer: if you know the guy I dated please hear me say this, it was not his fault that I felt these things after the break-up. They were things I had to bring to the Lord and realize that our personalities just didn’t mesh well, and wouldn’t have long-term.
I know I still have a lot to learn about relationships and I’m not writing this blog post as if I’m an expert in this department, because I am far from it, but I just want girls who are struggling in their singleness to know that they don’t have to just sit around and be passive. Please don’t take that comment as me saying that a woman should pursue a man. A man should always pursue the woman, but just because the man should be the one who leads the woman, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a role in the dating process.
Who knows if the girl who posted the original tweet, “I’d rather be single than date online” will ever see my blog and actually read it, but I wish she could honestly ask herself this: why would you rather be single than get online to date? Is it because of pride or feeling like you shouldn’t have to do anything in the dating process? I don’t know what it is for her or anyone who retweeted that statement, so please hear me on this as well: online dating is not for everyone. If you are thinking about online dating, I would encourage you to check your heart before you make a profile. If you decide it’s not for you, that’s okay, but don’t judge others if they feel lead differently than you.
I’m sure in a couple months once I’m married (and especially after I have kids one day) that I will experience what sacrifice is on an entirely new level. Right now I know this from scripture: marriage brings strife, it means learning how to be selfless, but it also brings joy and sanctification. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says: “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”
Side note for those who have chosen singleness or just haven’t found a spouse yet, God uses community, family and/or friendships in remarkable ways to fulfill this verse. I love what Matt Chandler said one time at a singleness conference that I went to, which went something like this, “Most of you people sitting in the audience are terrified that you have ‘the gift of singleness, but I’m telling you now, if you’re feeling terrified, then it’s not the gift for you. God has you single for a season and that’s not a mistake, but that doesn’t mean it’s the gift of lifelong singleness.”
If you think about it, God only gives good gifts. Sometimes we can’t see the good in His gifts in the moment, but I love what Matt Chandler said at that conference. Basically, you’ll know you have the “Gift of singleness” if you desire to be single.
In 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 Paul writes, “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
So why is finding a godly man online any different than finding a godly man in a Bible study or any other way for that matter? Why is it so stereotypically wrong to have a conversation about God and beliefs online verses sitting in a circle around someone’s living room? Aren’t they both focusing on God and getting to know someone else’s heart for God?
I want to end the 2nd part to my post by saying this: I encourage you to be open-minded. Strive to have open hands and trust God. It’s easier said than done, and His timing is far better than ours, but don’t put more rules on yourself than He does.
