The Journey to Motherhood
Though there are plenty of other things I could be working on tonight, I’m having the itch to write. Sometimes we just have to let the kitchen sink pile up with dishes, laundry sit in the hamper, and capture the moment we're in. I know this season, like many others, is going to fly by and I don’t want to neglect to capture all that the Lord is doing.
This specific post has actually been in my head since we miscarried our first child back in February 2018. The idea of posting this has continued to build as we struggled to conceive again once my body’s hormones decided to balance back out. Everyone’s story is different and unique, though many of us have more similarities than we think. I’ve found that so many women don’t talk about their journey’s to motherhood (if you are a mom/desire to be). Maybe you didn’t struggle at all and so you feel guilt talking about your experience with others who have had quite the opposite experience. Maybe you conceived by accident at the completely “Wrong time” and maybe you went through with the pregnancy and maybe you didn’t. Maybe you had one child and always desired more, but it hasn't happened and people have told you to just be thankful for what you got as you wrestle with being grateful and feeling sorrow all at the same time. Maybe you could never conceive or carry a child to term so you feel like you can’t contribute to the conversation. Maybe you’ve had so many heartbreaks that talking about it is just too painful. Whatever category you fall into, your voice and your story matter, not only to others, but to God.
Growing up I can remember adults asking, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” to which I would respond, “A mommy…” Never thinking the day would ever ACTUALLY come where I would get to be a mommy to another human being. Even my childhood friends thought I’d be the first out of all of them to get pregnant, which has been far from the case. Regardless, I've always known being a mom was a strong desire of my heart. I am so grateful to be entering into the half-way point of my current pregnancy as I write this, but also slightly unsettled as we had our follow-up appointment from our second trimester sonogram yesterday. I'm saying slightly unsettled because God has given me a peace that is surpassing my understanding as we received news that there is currently a cyst in baby’s brain. This could be absolutely nothing and fade away as he/she continues to grow, or it could turn into something extremely serious that would most likely take baby’s life before its 1st birthday. But today, and the rest of this week, we don’t get to know the answer. BUT, we do get to continue sitting under the authority of the One who is in charge of everything, including the growth and development of our babe, and trust that He hears our prayers and that He is for our good. Not only that, but He is good, even if…
Now let me be frank, part of the reason I'm resting somewhat easy is because statistically, this is way more likely to be “nothing” rather than “something”, so part of me feels silly even saying anything about it right now, but at the same time, I believe in the power of prayer and so if you are reading this, I would covet your prayers that this cyst would completely fade away and that some extended bloodwork I got done comes back negative next week.
Living in a fallen world can be extremely difficult, and I never thought my journey to motherhood would include all that it has up to this point, yet I'm thankful. I’m thankful because God has been near and honestly, I've been nearer to Him than I would've been if my journey was any different than what it has been. It’s crazy how life continues to hit you as you age (at least it has for me). I remember in high school just hearing about teen pregnancies and then knowing all my friend’s parents/siblings and just thinking, getting pregnant and having babies is not only easy, but it's no big deal. Boy was I wrong… The journey to motherhood has been an emotional roller coaster (and to an extent continues to be so), but again, I'm thankful that through it all, I am not alone…
Not only has God been along for the ride, which He knew would be my journey before I was even a child with this desire in my heart, but God has surrounded Justin and I with friends and family who have also been drawing near to God on our behalf. If you are one of these people and you are reading this, know that I do not take your love, friendship and prayers lightly. I thank God for you all the time and know that I would not be writing this with such peace without the prayers and supplications from you, my prayer-warriors. I honestly can’t imagine where I would be without many of you in my life, so thank you… and keep it up! I will try my best to give an update when we get the bloodwork results next week.
