My Hope: He Is Good
4:58am… Been up for at least an hour now, which is about normal the past couple weeks. Annoyed, swollen, physically aching and mentally done, I sit in the living room and fight all the lies in my head that say it will never end. Out of nowhere, tears just start rolling down my face. I’m done God and I’m ready for my baby girl to be here.
Physically, when you’re past 40 weeks pregnant, it has to end soon, and logically I know that, but emotionally I’m just having a hard time believing it. So many of my peers have gone through the blessing, aches and pains of pregnancy. “I’ve been there… You’ll get through it… Enjoy this time…” I know all these things are in good will, but sometimes you just have to embrace the suck, knowing God is still in it. Ignoring how you feel never gets you anywhere, so this is me, embracing the suck.
Reality is, I can’t hang my hope on the fact that I have to be towards the very end of this pregnancy, which we prayed for, for years. I also can’t hang my hope on the fact that I’m likely going to be holding a healthy baby girl anywhere from 12 to 168ish hours from now (because this physically can’t go on more than about one more week). My hope has to be rooted in the fact that God is near, He has me in his hands, and no matter what, He has a plan.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. I’ve always struggled with the fear of losing those closest to me through what I would consider an “Early death”… That fear honestly plagued me as a child and then came around again at one time after I married a First Responder.
The Lord is gracious to not only remind me that He is in control and no one can take the life of someone I love unless it’s His timing for them to go, but He is also gracious to always help me get back to a place of resting in that truth. But right now, in this moment, I find myself again, fearing that I’m going to lose this little girl before I even get to hear her first cry. Why is still birth even on my mind when nothing has threatened that? Because the enemy knows our weaknesses and he will play on them all day long if we let him. The constant aches and pains don’t help me get my mind off of it either. And then of course I’m going back and forth on whether to schedule an induction or not. Is she going to come on her own if I just give it another day, and another day, and another day? If I’m being honest, though it could happen at any moment, I’m feeling jealous of all the stories I’ve heard of women’s water breaking or them going into labor on their own (especially those who got to experience that between 37-40 weeks pregnant). Then I feel guilty because I know there are mom’s who went into labor way too early and that has a whole other set of sorrows.
I’m not sure why I’m writing all this, but maybe just to show my humanity. Maybe just to process and get things off my chest. I’m not perfect and I don’t have it all together. I know truth, but I have a hard time believing it sometimes. I don’t want to come off as complaining, but I also want others who battle the thoughts in their mind to know they are not alone. Sitting still is one of the hardest things for me. I’m a Martha (Luke 10:38-42) at best and to “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10) is one of the hardest things for me to do. For others, resting comes naturally, but I have to fight for it.
If you’re married, you know how there is that one thing you and your spouse always fight about? Not that you always fight, but when you do, it seems to be the thing that you fight over the most? One of our reoccurring things comes down to the fact that I overthink and I get to this place every once in a while where I finally release everything in my mind that I didn’t even know was there and then I get mad for not being able to just let it go. I always feel relieved after I release and have one of these moments, but they’re also extremely annoying for both my hubby and me. I question why God made me the way He did sometimes, which I’m sure is a shock to some people, but we all have that thing we wish we didn’t battle. BUT, whatever that thing is, God has a plan for it and can use it to bring us closer to Himself.
God not only has all this under control, but He’s also already in tomorrow. He is with me now, despite the pain I feel (because it’s not about being comfortable), and will be with me in my labor and delivery, whenever and whatever it holds. He is good.
