It's Going to be Okay

The other night Justin and I fell asleep thanking God for the day and asking for His provision for those in need. Like for most, the past couple weeks have been unsettling in our household. From being furloughed from my job, to not being applicable for unemployment, to getting back on the payroll (thanks to a grant for small businesses and an amazing owner who is doing everything to keep the team together), to thinking Justin was about to be at risk with his job, to finding out his schedule is just going to have to change for a bit, it’s been an emotional roller coaster. Again, I know so many of us are walking through this together and it’s still such a fluid situation, but I’ve chosen to try and make the most of the situation and embrace the extra time at home with my baby girl.

As many of you have seen on my social media stories, I’m also taking this time to finally sleep train her. I’ve wanted to do this for a while, but I never feel like I have time. She’s been adapting really well overall (the first couple nights were rough), though she still wakes me up some nights. Even though I’m not supposed to, on the random nights she wakes up, I’ve found myself rocking her in my arms and maybe half-way dozing off for bit before putting her back in the crib. One night this week, her little hand rested on one of my arms and my other hand stroked her head. I was looking around her nursery remembering how bad I wanted her in my arms towards those last weeks of pregnancy, wondering what she would look like, be like, smell like, etc. Oh how I cherish these little moments with this (not so little) baby girl.

I often find myself repeating, “Thank you God” when I’m in these moments, as exhausted as I am. Thanking Him for the moments that I may rather be asleep in my own bed, but instead I’m laying back in a rocker with a content, yet awake, baby girl in my arms.

This week I packed up all her 9 month clothes and finally stopped denying that at not even 8 months old, she’s repping all 12-18 month sizes now. I've had to tell Justin to stop praying for her to “Grow like crazy…”, as that was (and sometimes still is) Justin’s daily prayer for her while she was in my womb. This prayer partly came from our fear that she’d stop growing like what happened in our first pregnancy, but man is God allowing her to grow like crazy!

So my baby girl is not as little anymore, but at the same time she still is a baby. What is it about the material instinct that wants to slow down the growing up process? I see mom’s tell their kids to stop growing up all the time. Heck, I’ve said it myself. Justin reminds me that it’s good for her to grow, but at the same time he always tell her to "Stay daddy’s little girl” and to “Never grow up to not love daddy.” So I guess there’s a fraternal instinct in there too ;)

Anyways, as I eventually decided to lay her down in the crib and walk away the other night, I was pleasantly surprised that she didn’t make a peep (and no she was not asleep yet). I got back into my room and watched her little eyes wide-awake in the monitor, still as can be. She’s learning that she’s okay.

I can’t really take credit for most of the sleep training, as she’s just a really good, overall content baby. Still not sure how one heart can contain so much love for something so helpless, but thankful for the ability to experience being her mom.

Sometimes it’s still weird to think I’m a mom. I’ve wanted to be a mom when I was still a child myself. Justin and I were watching a show last night where two parents were trying to rush their kid to safety in the midst of chaos and I told Justin that I used to invention myself as the child in a scene like that, but now I’m the mom (with this fiercely protective instinct). And yet, that is how God looks at us. He sees you. Maybe you feel like God is absent, especially in this world pandemic that we’re in, but He’s not. I honestly believe He is using this to get our attention; to refocus our gaze to be on Him alone instead of the comforts of this temporary life.

In this crazy season of life where there is so much unknown, I hope we can remember that we’re going to be okay, just like a baby who is having to learn how to put themselves to sleep.

We have an all-present, all-knowing, in-control God who is watching us, walking with us, and absolutely in-love with us, His creation. Maybe He’s trying to show us the better thing. I know leaving my baby girl in her crib to learn how to go to sleep on her own is good for her, but that doesn’t mean the second I shut her door (and often hear her cry) that I’ve forgotten about her or that I’m not going to be there for her. All this seems so obvious, but how are we walking these truths out? How are we being refined in the midst of a crisis?

He has a better, permanent home that He is preparing for those who put their trust in Him alone.